Crossing Lines

I actually wrote this quite a while ago (didn't post it cos it felt too personal) but seems apt to put it up now. What can I say, I'm in an honest mood.

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I currently live in my mother’s house. I find this really depressing. I am terrified that the older I get the more dependent it seems I’m getting. It’s almost like I’m regressing.At the moment I love her a lot less (Read The God of Small Things). I’m actually just feeling very indifferent to her. I currently have a few issues weighing on my mind: -

- I am fat. I no longer have the luxury of saying “not slim”, “pleasantly plump”, or even that I’m a “BIG girl”. I’ve definitely crossed that line and it finally bothers me. This however is not a rant about how I’m having a fat day just my general state of mind and one of the things I want to change.

- I have lost my sex drive. I am not attracted to anyone and haven’t been in a while. Even the people I always feel attracted to or my stand-by fuck buddies don’t do it for me anymore. I can’t even remember the last time I felt horny. Fine it’s gone cold and I usually get “hot” when it’s actually hot but still! I think it partly stems from the fact that I haven’t met anyone interesting in a while.

- I am slowly disconnecting with my people. My family, my friends, my pseudo friends. I’ve been busy with work true but at the same time, I’ve consciously stepped back from a lot of people. I’ve avoided calls, not returned mesgs and not made an effort to stay connected with people unless they go out of their way to chase after me. Even my internet connections are closing, I send less emails, respond to very few, spend less time on facebook, rarely read blogs and comment even less. It’s almost like I’ve lost interest but not quite as my attention hasn’t been taken up by anything else. I feel for lack of a better word, vapid.

- I still feel like driftwood. I have no solid plans for my future and still take it day by day even though I’m slightly more settled now in that I have a job. All I know is I want to pay my bills and clear my debt. Oh and buy a house. Beyond that nothing. Hardly seems like much of a career or life plan now does it?

Ok I’m done. This didn’t exactly come out the way I expected it to. It was meant to be like the last piece but the words go where they go.