Three guys and girl

A few months ago, I found myself torn between three guys. I find myself following the same old patterns of going for inaccessible guys. It’s almost like I have a masochistic streak as I find myself yearning for people I can’t have – or relationships that wont ever work.

1. Tandy - the one I’ve known the longest and have the most history with. I saw him at a dinner party. I knew he was coming so I had steeled myself to see him again and to deal with the potential awkward fallout. However I was unprepared for how seeing him would make me feel. He still had the sexiest dimples and amazing lips. I had to ball my fingers into fists to stop from touching him. I wanted to hold his hand and entwine my fingers with his. I wanted to jump on his lap and kiss him whilst I ran my fingers through his hair. Naturally I sat in my chair and made small talk. Thankfully he was civil and there were other people around so it wasn’t too much of an ordeal. I stalked his facebook for a few days but snapped out of it. I spent ages thinking back and doing the what ifs. I would like to be friends with him again but I don’t even know if that is possible anymore and I can’t say that even if by some miracle he wanted a relationship with me I’d be ready or able to go down that road again. So I stopped stalking and stopped thinking about him. I’m still surprised and wary of the effect he had on me though.

What Ifs, The - Ja...

2. Randolph is a friend of mine. We’ve been friends for a long time. We met through a mutual friend and we clicked. He was interested in me in the beginning but I wasn’t. Nevertheless we became really good friends. His work took him to different countries for months at a time. We’d chat online sometimes but always hung out when he came into town. We have our restaurant which we always go to. We usually also go to the cinema, see a show and do drinks. We do all sort of coupley things like walking around holding hands, shopping together, and just hanging. When we are together we get really cosy and the lines blur but we’ve never crossed the line. Neither of us wants to be the one that makes that move. We have our moments when we come all honest and say what we are feeling but it is usually when he isn’t around. He’s moved to Nigeria now and as neither of us do long distance – it seems unlikely that anything can come of it. He’s also my really good friend and I’d hate for anything to spoil that. However it’s getting harder to see the line and know our boundaries. We have thus made an informal agreement to see how it goes the next time we hook up. I feel it might be a make or break situation but it will at least decide things once and for all.

Syleena Johnson ft...

3. Buddy – a guy I met online. We started chatting and again clicked. It’s weird cos I don’t click with that many people. This guy is my intellectual equal. He’s one of those people who makes me want to make an effort. I strive to show how intelligent I am. We spar and come out with a repertoire of some of the most random and obscure statements yet - we both get it. Reading through our emails, you would have thought we were competing for who could cram as many difficult words in a sentence. It was funny and exciting all at once – his emails would send me into gales of laughter and I found myself anxiously waiting for our next sparring match. So much so that it began to bother me how much I enjoyed them. Again he’s in a different country and when the issue of identity came into play – my issues came rearing their ugly head. Eventually it sort of fizzled out. In it’s heady states though, I felt like I was cheating on Randolph by forming an emotional/intellectual attachment to someone else. Weird.

Sade - King of Sor...

By the way – the songs are just songs that came to my head as I was writing. Think of it as the soundtrack to my movie.