Sod's Law

So I saw Sadeeq last night. From the title of this piece you can well imagine how it went. I was running down to blockbusters to return a movie. Ella (my cousin who’s staying with me while she waits to move to her flat) was supposed to go with me but she got home quite late and I didn’t want to pay another late fine.

I had been at home all day. I hadn’t showered, brushed my teeth, or even combed my hair. (Don’t ask – I was having one of those completely veg out days). As it was quite late, I just picked up a skirt lying on my floor, put on a jumper and my Indian slippers and headed out. To say I looked liked a tramp is an understatement, plus I smelt like one to boot.

So I’m walking along, abusing Ella in my mind for not coming with me, and sending a text message. I obviously wasn’t looking ahead of me – which was my undoing. I’m looking down at my phone when I see two feet stop in front of me. I stopped, and in slow motion lifted my eyes to look up, knowing in my heart of hearts that this was not going to be good… I was right (dun dun dun!).

He looked like he had just walked off the cover of GQ. He was wearing this really nice tailored suit and a shirt that was still crisp and fresh. His only flaw was that he looked a little tired and guarded at seeing me.

Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!! I thought. I knew it! I just knew it! The one time I look and SMELL like shit is when I bump into him. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!!

Hey! How are you? We said doing the hug and kissing of cheeks. He smelt soo good. I was like damn. Why didn’t I at least wear some perfume to mask my day old stink? Why???

“So where exactly do you live?” He asked
“somewhere down there..” I said pointing behind me, purposely being vague. (no way am i wanting any random 'suprise' visits)
We chatted about work, how he works in Leeds now, and works from home on Fridays (hmm, really? … I thought).
We made some more inane chitchat, said our goodbyes and left.
Needless to say, I didn’t get very much sympathy from anyone in general. Seriously though, whoever made that rule that you only ever bump into an ex when you’re looking like shit? Sod’s law my arse! Sod should be bloody shot whoever he is!

The Story of Kane

Dami called me last night to invite me to her Christmas party. It appears that Kane might actually be coming though he hasn’t confirmed. (Dami is Kane’s Sister) I guess I’d better tell his story now.

The definition of ‘Kruelty’ – Ok that isn’t totally fair because he wasn’t exactly cruel and I gave as good as I got. I guess it goes both ways.

Kane is probably the one that has affected me the most. The major influences in my life have been Lonyo – who was good in letting me experiment with my blossoming sexuality. Then there was Kane. Then there was Sadeeq – who up until recently I couldn’t get out of my head. If I thought Sadeeq was my ‘Mr. Big’, then Kane is … in all honesty I don’t know what he is. I look back now and think did it all happen? Did he really mean soo much to me at one point in time? It now seems soo unreal.

It’s hard to be objective about Kane because we had such a tumultuous on-off relationship for about 3 years. We were only totally honest with each other during our off periods which ofcourse was after we had hurt each other so much or literally torn strips from each other. Hindsight tells me that our main problem was our sense of timing. When one of us wanted a relationship, the other wasn’t interested.

Our families are very close. His parents and mine are great friends. He also has a large but very close extended family. Famke is his cousin and she’s one of my closest friends. He’s like her big brother so they are very close. Plus our families spend a lot of time together – they come over to ours or I go over to spend some holidays with them.

I guess the best way to sum up our relationship would be to show a copy of an email I wrote him…

“Ok where do I start? I HATE the way you can just come in to my life and shake things up. I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO LET YOU DO IT AGAIN. The last time we did anything, I promised myself that was it. THE END. No more giving it one more shot or trying again etc. I admit that you will probably always have some effect on me - but I can CHOOSE to do something about it or not as the case may be. You do mean a lot to me and there's some part of me that ISN'T letting go - obviously as you're still the only person I can really turn to when I'm upset or need to talk, under my issues of “I cant sleep” - but that part is deeply submerged, at least for now.

I am actually quite pissed off about Sunday. I know I said it meant a lot to me - and yes it does. It's one of those wildly romantic things that I always wished for or wished you would do but WHY NOW??? As much as I appreciate it, a lot of me is deeply resentful. I was doing fine. Life was cool. Sane. Uncomplicated. The few times you came round to mine were a bit dicey but I was beginning to adjust to it and not let it affect me. Now you want us to get back? Like I said before, one of our major problems has been our sense of timing. IT SUCKS. I really can’t deal with you right now. And I actually honestly don’t want to. A couple of times, I have been willing to try things out because I felt we should screw the bad timing and just do it. But not now. I have exams, and other issues and I have to focus. And I seem to lose that ability when you're in the picture. Hence the reason I am writing this at 12.30 in the morning when I should be studying. You've had a major impact on my life the last 2/3 yrs and it's taken me a year plus to get over it. Enough.”

Of course I never sent it.

That Sunday (sometime in march), I couldn’t sleep and I was feeling moody. Usually at times like that, I call him. He makes me feel better – or should I say made me feel better; no point speaking in the present tense as it is all past now. Anyways, I called him. We talked for ages as usual. I had work the next day and remembered grousing about how I was going to have to spend 8 hours on my feet, serving customers. (This is when I was working as a sales assistant at Thomas Pink). As usual towards the end, he came out with “So when are you coming to see me?” We do this all the time. He says that, then I play him off with a noncommittal answer. This time, he refused to drop it.

He was like “No. I’m not letting you get away with that. You call me like every two months and only when you’re upset, and you never come and see me.”
I was thinking where is this going? “Yeah but whenever I do come and see you – things just get all complicated. It’s better this way.”
He then came out with “what are we doing? I know there is something still between us and you know it too. Dami even mentioned that the last time we were in your house, she could sense the electricity between us”
“What electricity?” I countered, “You weren’t acting anyhow or gave any indication”
“Well I guess I hid it well from you. That’s beside the point anyways. Look, I still really like you and I think we should do something about it now. We’re always pussyfooting around each other… Let’s do this once and for all. We’ve never really been serious. Let’s just do this and see where it takes us.”
“I don’t know what to say. You can’t just spring this on me!” I wailed.
“Look, I know you. You are going to find a way to try and get out of this and then I wont hear from you for goodness knows how long. Let’s just do this once and for all. I’m coming down to your house now. What time is it?… I’ll be there by 5.”
“What? You can’t do that. It’s too late and you’re tired. Besides I have to go and sleep as I have work tomorrow.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want you to go to work tomorrow. I want you to come to my house. I’m coming to pick you up so we can sort this out once and for all”
“No! My mom is in and I have people in my house. I can’t just leave!”
“I’m coming. And when I get there, I’ll call you. Just come out with your stuff and we’ll be off. If you don’t come out when I call, I will come and press the bell, wake your mum and tell her that I’m taking you home with me”
“You cant do that!!!!” I spluttered in horror.
“Watch me. You obviously don’t know me that well. Ask Famke or Dami – once I’ve made up my mind that’s it.”
“Look – seriously I promise. I’ll come and see you. Infact, straight after work, I’ll come and see you. I promise!!!”
“Nah. I’ll be there in half an hour. You’d better come out when I ring.” Then he rung off.

True to his word, half an hour later he showed up at my door. He called and I went out. I was still in my nightgown as I was determined to stand my ground.
I got into his car – so we could talk (and it was cold). “I’m sorry but I really can’t come home with you now. I have to go to work tomorrow – well later on today. Seriously I’ll come and see you afterwards.”
“You’re just saying that to brush me off. You’re not going to come.” he countered.
I guess he was really tired as I was able to talk him out of waking my mum up. My mind was in a whirl and I didn’t want to be pushed into starting up with him heedlessly. I told him to think about it and consider everything. Given our past history, was he sure he really wanted to do this??

I didn’t go and see him but I spent some time thinking about it. I admit, that I was thrilled and shocked that he actually came. I thought it was amazingly romantic and incredibly spontaneous and was tempted on the basis of that alone but when I thought about everything that happened in the past – I began to grow angry. As I told him in the car, he had really hurt me – he was the only guy that had actually made me cry (and I cried in front of him) – and after our last episode, I had promised that was it. I was NEVER going to go there with him again. Besides, as usual his timing was all off. I had my exams coming up and I was trying to focus on getting that all sorted. I just didn’t have the sort of time or energy to dedicate to making us work.

Plus I thought things were truly over. It had been a year and three months since we last got together. As our families were close, I had seen him a number of times after that. On his dad’s birthday, we all had dinner and he told me about his new girlfriend. I looked through his phone and read some of the messages he sent her (admittedly with a twinge that he was never that open with me). I still felt shaky a couple of times afterwards but I started to get used to it. Not that I was interested, just that we always had this effect on each other. I was learning to ignore it – I didn’t even notice it after a while. After getting so far, to now face having to go back filled me with resentment. Completely irrational maybe but that’s how I felt.

I didn’t see or speak to him for a while. Then at the start of summer I got all moody and couldn’t sleep and so called him. This time, things were cozy. I guess I wasn’t feeling so stressed and I was living in Camden so felt freer. Plus it was summer – the heat was starting to play with my hormones. I really started to consider getting together again as he was interested. Then one day, out of the blue, he asked if I had told Famke anything about us. Apparently, she had told Dami that she knew for a fact that he had had unprotected sex – putting two and two together as he’s such a private person – I was the only one who could have told her.

I think it’s fair to mention that a couple of times we split up because I had talked about our relationship to his Famke. As she knew the details of our relationship, she didn’t approve of the way he acted and it affected their relationship a lot. She used to look up to him, he was like her big brother who was responsible and could do no wrong. I guess she felt disappointed in him because she felt he was just using me. She saw him in a different light. This wasn’t my intention so I felt very guilty about it. We decided not to talk about him anymore.

After her latest outburst, Kane decided to have it out with her once and for all. They arranged a time to sit down and talk about everything. Kane and I decided not to meet up until after they had spoken. They spoke and thankfully resolved their relationship. They get on much better now, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, he decided that we shouldn’t see each other again, as he said “You betrayed my trust more that I realized. Nothing can ever happen between us again. Goodbye”

I was upset – no, I was sad. I felt annoyed with myself for even considering it in the first place. I had basically set myself up. Part of me felt that he had given up on us too easily but then again what else was new? At least now it truly IS over.

Tandy’s Story – Part 2

Tandy and I didn’t talk for a while after our kiss. I felt very weird about it all. For a long time I couldn’t decide whether or not to tell Tessa. I finally decided not to tell her as things were already quite weird between them and I still hadn’t got my head round my new cradle snatcher status.

I couldn’t avoid going to her house for much longer so I decided to go over and brave it out. I walked into the kitchen and there he was. We smiled at each other. I think he could sense how uncomfortable the situation could turn so he just acted like nothing had happened and we chatted like normal. His family was all around and people were spilling in and out so it was fine.

We resumed talking on the phone a couple of days later and talked ‘it’ out to remove any embarrassment. I slowly began to feel more comfortable with the idea as we just stayed flirting casually and there wasn’t any pressure to do anything. I then decided to confess all to Tessa as it was difficult holding it back considering I normally told her everything. She flipped. Not because I kissed him, but cos I didn’t tell her about immediately. I understand now why she felt that way, but I don’t regret not telling her as it was just too weird for me at the time and I needed to sort it out in my own head.

Tandy and I did our usual talking on and off thing then the time came for the Austria trip. I was invited to join their family for the Christmas holiday. Things had started to hot up between us again (I had already had the young guy episode) and he was beginning to sound serious. The pull of our destiny to be together was very strong. I pushed aside all my fears of commitment and not feeling ready to ‘do us’ now. Plus he is very persuasive and convincing – I decided to jump in. But, I was like “though I am willing to have a relationship with you – I am DEFINITELY not ready to face the ramifications of your whole family dealing with it especially if we’re going to be spending soo much time together during the holiday. I mean what would they think? What would Tessa say??? Nah. I can’t deal with yet and especially not there. “

He agreed to act normally whilst we were there and not act untowardly. Needless to say I didn’t tell him I had told Tessa about our previous interlude and I didn’t tell her about the new development – even after her snide comments about how Tandy and I shouldn’t think of sneaking anywhere to make out as no way would everyone not find out. Tandy and I nearly got caught by Tony (his older brother) – I’m sure he suspected something when he saw us on the couch. We were cuddled up watching a film and just broken apart from making out when he walked into the room. He just gave us a searching glance, picked up his keys and walked out again. (Tony is the most enigmatic person in that family I think – I would dearly love to sit and have a no-holds barred conversation with him).

Things started to deteriorate in Austria. First of all despite all my re-iterations of acting normal, Tandy was just too nice to me. Normally, Tandy and I spark off each other. In public we have this love-hate relationship – you know nasty little sarcastic comments making fun of each other. We generally weren’t usually very nice to each other. In Austria, he was suddenly really sweet and thoughtful. It was noticeable but I guess the others brushed it off as him being forced to be nice as we were all sharing a small apartment and we were on holiday after all. His behavior progressed to being all touchy feely. He’d rub my shoulders as we were sitting. He’d hug me intermittently and basically use any excuse to touch me. I couldn’t help it – I snapped. “Don’t touch me!” I whispered harshly as I left the kitchen after breakfast one morning and felt him reaching up behind me “… with your dirty hands.” I continued for the benefit of the rest of his family who were still eating. I looked back and caught this hurt expression on his face but was too annoyed to care and stormed upstairs. Later that night, he cornered me alone and asked why I was acting soo weird, and being so mean earlier.

I was feeling very moody (hey it happens!) and cruelly answered “Because I can. Sometimes I can’t help being nasty. Deal with it.”
His expression closed immediately “I never really thought of you as a bitch, I didn’t think you had it in you. Wow… I see you in a completely different light. Thanks, I see things clearly now” and he walked away.

For the rest of the holiday he was cold and distant. A part of me felt relieved for a bit that his ‘ardor’ had cooled but I felt quite guilty for hurting his feelings. This soon ebbed as I repeatedly tried to apologize and he wasn’t having it. He was really acting childish so I thought “screw him, if he’s going to keep acting like a child then so be it!” I started talking to one of the guys in the UK that had been trying it on. (I was still in the adjusting phrase of being someone’s girlfriend so there were still guys chasing me). I admit that I encouraged the guy to keep calling all the time to piss Tandy off. It also helped deflect Tessa’s attention as she thought it was someone I was going to hook up with when we got back.

Tandy took things one stage further. One day I had just stepped out of the shower and was getting dressed when he walked into the bedroom.
“Can’t you knock?” I coolly asked turning to look at him in my underwear.
“I was looking for Tessa” he replied looking round the room which she clearly wasn’t in.
“Well she’s not here so would leave now?” I retorted angrily

The next day again –I was getting changed when he walked in. This time he lingered looking round the room “searching for the adaptor”.
“What is your problem? You don’t know how to knock anymore? ... Can’t you see I’m getting changed? … Just get out!!!” I yelled repeatedly.
I went to lock the door after him just incase he tried it again. Minutes later, I heard the door handle turn and shake.
“Who is it?” I asked
“Why did you lock the door” I heard Tessa’s voice – hissing in annoyance
“Oh sorry! Just… “ I said, tailing off as I let her in.
“Just what?”
“Nothing. It’s nothing”
“What????” she said in real annoyance now
“Nothing. Tandy just walked in on me as I was getting dressed”
“Oh!” as she digested this “I’m sorry honey” she said softening “What he just walked in on you naked without knocking?”
“Nah, luckily I was in my underwear. But it’s ok”
“No. It’s not ok. He’s been acting like a real prat lately. He cant just walk in on you like that. You should report this to my mum”
“No! Just leave it” I replied in horrified at how childish that sounded. “It’s ok. It’s really not that important. I don’t want to start involving anyone else, much less your mother.”
“OK, if you’re sure...” she said hesitantly “do you want me to talk to him?”
“Look really it’s ok. Just leave it. It’s cool. Really!” I added firmly
“Okay then. Hurry down ok? Everyone’s waiting so we can go to the village” as she left me to finish getting dressed.
(Much later, I found out that she actually told her mum and they both ganged up to tell him off. I felt really guilty when I heard as I could just imagine how he must have felt.)

The holiday went downhill after that. By the end none of us was talking to each other. Tony was the only one talking to everyone else. At the airport, I got a taxi to go home and that was the end of our ignominious relationship. I decided to myself that was the end of that and no way in hell would I ever consider trying it with him again. That is even if he ever forgave me.

Tandy and I didn’t talk for about 6 months. I think I saw him once at their house and he just ignored me totally. I had been feeling guilty for a long time about how I had handled the whole thing. You would think by now I would have more practice in dealing with situations like that. Plus he was only trying to express his feelings. I probably shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him in the first place if I knew I couldn’t deal with everyone finding out. (But he agreed to cool things whilst we were on holiday so it wasn’t totally my fault!)

After Tessa and I had our huge bust up, I found out about how she and her mum told him off in Austria, which made me feel even more guilty. I called him to see if he was still mad at me. I apologized for being such a cow and we talked. He told me how soo much time had passed and it was water under the bridge. He was like it really wasn’t important anymore – he’s not mad. He just didn’t care anymore. This was a bit hard to swallow but I took it that at least he had forgiven me (somewhat) and that was that. We started talking sporadically.

I finally saw him on my mum’s birthday in July. I had forgotten how good he looked. He was sitting across the table from me and I was just drinking in his gorgeousness. Jodie said “I finally understand why you went there but I don’t think there’s anything for you anymore. No way is he going to do anything again or go there again.” There’s nothing I like more than a challenge. I called him the very next day and we talked for ages. He explained that the reason he stopped talking to me was because “if I spoke to you, I would have gotten angry and I would have stopped liking you. I didn’t/don’t want to stop liking you”. I almost cried with how sweet he was being. We started talking regularly again. Slowly he started to wear me down with statements of how much he really liked me and had always done. Despite my earlier convictions of how a relationship with him would never work and was pointless, I started to melt. I couldn’t help it, he was soo persuasive. A part of me was a bit concerned about his reasons. I know what I’m like – if the shoe was on the other foot, (especially after what had happened), I wouldn’t forgive him or even consider getting back together, unless it was for payback.
“Is that how little you think of me?” he asked. “It shows how much you know me if you think I would do that”
“It’s not that, it’s just… why??? After everything??” I asked
“All that doesn’t matter. It never mattered. I like to separate people from what they do. I didn’t like what you did. That is different or separate – it’s just a part of you. “
I was silent – still quite unsure.
“Look, I’m not the kind of person that would do this just for petty revenge. You mean too much to me. This really isn’t about me – it’s about you. You’re just too scared to take the risk.”
“Well… “ I tailed off knowing he had a point.
“Give it a chance. For once, trust me. I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you…”
“Just what? You’re too scared of taking a risk? What it all boils down to is what you feel about me. You know how I feel. How do you feel?”
“I do really care about you” I said.
“So what’s the problem then? Are you scared what people would think?”
“It’s not that. I just don’t think I’m ready to have a serious relationship yet”
“This is me. You know how much I really like you…. What do YOU want?
“I don’t know… I don’t want to settle for anything casual – I couldn’t do that with you.” I answered my mind in a whirl “I’m just not ready”
“Look, it’s really now or never. In the consideration that sometime in the future when you feel you ARE ready, you should realize that I might not be there anymore”
“See, that’s not fair. You’re doing it again. That sounds like an ultimatum” I said getting worked up.
“It’s not an ultimatum, it’s just a fact. You keep doing this. I’m not going to sit around forever waiting for you to make up your mind. The way I see it, you’ve already made up your mind what you want. If you want me – doing this now shouldn’t be a problem. The question is do you want me?”
“Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!” I yelled in frustration.
“Look do you trust me? If you really like me, let’s do this. I need you to give us a chance… take a leap of faith… “

I leapt. We all know how that ended.

Crush

I have a crush on this white guy in uni. Even though we’ve been doing the same course and have had the same subjects for all three years, I’ve only just noticed him in my final year. Unbelievable huh? I must be blind or something.

His name is Tom. He is sooo cute – in that floppy hair, warm brown eyes, lovely smile, beautiful teeth, retro/eclectic dress sense, public school boy kinda way.

I am developing new ways and strategies to get a chance to talk to him – even if it’s just to say hi, sit next to him, or sit in a position where I can stare at him unguarded. It is fast becoming an issue. I noticed him when he became really active in class – speaking up etc. He has such a sexy voice; I could feel myself going all tingly. I started to pay more attention to him. One day I arrived early for one of my lectures and had just settled down sprawling all over my chair when he walked in. He sat down, turned around then saw me. He smiled; I smiled back (I could feel myself starting to flush). He stood and came up to where I was sitting.
“Hey. Have you done the reading for the audit class?” he asked
“Uh… the reading? Oh yeah. No I haven’t… not all of it. I started but didn’t quite finish” I said reaching into my bag for the booklet.
“Yeah it was quite boring wasn’t it?”
“ Yup! A real snoozer.”
“Yeah” and with a nod he went back to his seat.

I had a huge grin on my face as Oyin walked in. He raised his eyebrow quizzically and I had to tell him the whole enlightening episode. Tom has soo noticed me – otherwise he wouldn’t come up to talk to them under such an inane pretext. Oyin was forced to agree although he thinks my crush is ridiculous.

Later on in one of our managerial classes, Tom joined my presentation group (hey if that isn’t further proof, I don’t know what is). When we met up to “go over our presentation” (my idea obviously ;-), I seized the opportunity to quiz him about what he does etc. I found out that he’s one of the political aficionado’s that terrorize LSE. He torments the student union weekly with different proposals and controversial calls like correcting the telegraphs definition of ‘spit roasting’. He also lives in ‘Leicestershire’ – I mean who says that apart from public school types? I found it very endearing. I decided to wear a short skirt and v-neck jumper for the day of the presentation and parked myself next to him so he could get the full effect of my skirt riding up as I sat down. (My middle name isn’t slut-erella for nothing).

Since then, I just moon whenever I see him much to Onyx’s disgust. He just doesn’t think it’ll work because ‘I’ve never been into white guys’. He thinks it’s all an experiment on my part – also because I’m bored – and so disapproves. Pssshhh – what does he know??? Tom and I are meant to be together. Plus I’ve been quite curious to know what it would be like to have a boyfriend at uni – all that sneaking about to make out in odd corners (I know soo many good spots) and holding hands playing with each other during lectures and hanging out. Despite Onyx’s objections – I’ll get bored and he’ll start to grate on me within 2 weeks plus the fact that I really don’t have time as this is my final year – I disagree. What does he know anyway??? The spoilsport.

The Wedding

Becky and I arrived late for the reception – totally my fault. Spent too much time getting ready. I chose my outfit with care. I decided to wear a suit and not a traditional outfit as I didn’t have anything that really stood out. My suit (borrowed from my mum, when we were still the same size) was amazing and fitted me to perfection. My hair was beautifully flicked and my make up was perfect.

On arrival, I was a bit disconcerted as everyone was staring. Luckily or unluckily, I spotted the leech from the stag night and as he was a groom’s man, he quickly procured us some seats and drinks. Our table was good – lots of interesting people and cute guys. I spotted a lot of people I had met at the bachelor’s eve so I felt very comfortable and at ease. A lot of them were in the bridal party so I had a constant supply of drinks. I was like part of the family! As you can guess – I ended up being totally wasted.

Shortly after being seated, I looked round the room. Our eyes met and locked. He did a double take then waved. I smiled tautly; I had decided to play it cool.
“Sadeeq just waved at me!” Becky exclaimed turning to point him out to me. I just smiled inwardly.

Through the course of the evening, we milled about talking to the guests and people I knew. The ceremony itself was beautiful and very tastefully done. A small part of me swelled with emotion at the best man’s speech and when the couple took their first dance. The alcohol was already helping. I would look at Sadeeq from time to time and he seemed to be having fun with the bevy of girls seating at his table. If he caught my eye, he would just smile and nod his head. The alcohol didn’t help. The whole emotion of the wedding and everything started to get to me. I called Jodie and started crying about how he really doesn’t want me. She was sympathetic and tried to bolster my feelings. I decided to drink some more.

I spent a number of hours drinking and flirting with different people, while studiously avoiding the leech. I leapt unto the floor to strut my stuff. As Becky later told me – I was too drunk to remember much that happened during this time – my ‘sexy gyrations’ attracted a lot of attention. I was too wasted to care. A lot of what I now know happened, I was able to piece back from what people told me afterwards.

I remember dancing with Adam. He was lovely. We moved very well together. That was fun. Apparently, I danced with Sadeeq for a bit but he must have said something to annoy me as I left and started dancing with the leech. (Sadeeq’s friend claimed I was only doing it to make him jealous to which he retorted that we were just friends so I wouldn’t need to act like that.) I recall dancing with the leech but he started getting too clingy so I escaped to dance with cute guy from the bachelor party.

All through I kept drinking and drinking. Wine, more wine, champagne, and some courvesior, which I apparently drank straight and downed like it was water. (Becky says that’s when she officially realized I was drunk). As it was now late and almost time to leave, I decided I had to go and say bye. I went back unto the dance floor and spotted Sadeeq. I pulled him to the side saying that I needed to talk to him.

“I really NEED you too say you don’t want me, as I really cant take much of this anymore … I need you to say I should MOVE ON, get over it or something…”
He shook his head, looked at me then quietly said “Fine. Ok – Move On”

My heart stopped.

He turned back to look at me “I can’t believe you just said that… How can you even ask me that…?” and started to walk off. My chest started to beat frantically with hope – the fact that he was saying this gave me hope so I grabbed his hand to stop him. He shrugged me off angrily. By this time Becky had joined us; apparently we or should I say I, was making a scene and everyone was watching. She said something to him that I didn’t catch and he was like “She’s the one messing with me. I don’t have time for this …”. With that I turned and ran out of the hall. Luckily people cleared a path for me. I ran out, leaned on a car to catch my breath and promptly burst into tears. I was inconsolable, despite Becky’s best efforts. She found someone to give us a lift and bundled me into the car.

I got home and promptly went to sleep. My only regret about drinking was that I hadn’t drunk enough to forget everything. Luckily Becky was at her parents the following morning so I was left to my misery. I was already feeling the crushing weight of dejection and was still lying in bed when the phone rang.

“That’s not how you ask a guy out!” he started.
“Huh? I.. I wasn’t.. I…I wasn’t asking you out!?!?!?!”
“So what was all that about last night”
“.. er… well … I was drunk!” I stammered
“Yeah I know you were drunk but still… ” he countered
“ the alcohol and the whole emotion of the day just got to me I guess”
“Look, I was basically annoyed because I felt you were giving me an ultimatum. Like it was now or never. I felt you were forcing me to decide on a relationship right there and there on the dance floor”
“No. It wasn’t meant to be like that. I was just … upset … and confused”
“Well I’m tired now – I’ve been up all night. I spent the night in jail.”
“What? Why?? What happened?” I said in alarm

He then proceeded to tell me all about how at the end of the night he was leaving with a bunch of his friends that he was going to drop off at home. A police car happened to be prowling outside the entrance gates and as he was using his cell phone, they stopped him. (What with the new laws banning people from driving and using their mobile phones). It didn’t help that it was a car with 4 black guys and they could see and smell that they were wasted. He was asked to take a Breathalyzer and refused. He was promptly carted off and they locked his arse in jail for the night. Mucho points taken from his license.

“I literally just walked out now… and called you first. I don’t even know where my car is…”
“Right…” my mind all agog.
“Well I have to go. I have a lot too sort out. I’ll call you later and deal with you then”
“Alright. Take care. I’ll talk to you later”. Click

I smiled with an overwhelming sense of relief. All hope wasn’t lost yet!

Vivid dreams

I had a dream about Sadeeq last night. In my dream, it was great. He couldn’t get enough of me. We were really close and had that intensely intimate vibe – that he does so well – again. I can only remember flashes but that is the feeling that prevailed. I do remember how it ended though. We were supposed to go on a date. And when he suggested it, I wasn’t looking my best at all but he was really charming and sweet about it. Unfortunately, I went a bit overboard in my attempts to rectify things, the way overboard can only get in dreams. I remember being in an apartment with was it Abi? And somehow there was sewage water all over the floor and I had a towel round me and one on my hair and I was yelling at her or should I say screaming at her about something or another … she had caused something or broken something… basically the whole mess of the house was her fault but I felt it was reflecting badly on me… It was just an ugly scene. He walked. All I remember is chasing after him…..

My subconsciousness must have stirred afterwards as I kept bringing him up whilst I was talking to Caroline last night about her problems. Flashbacks of our episodes kept running through my mind. After my birthday fiasco, we didn’t speak for ages. I would see him online from time to time but he would never say anything. I tried to be nice and say hi but he never answered. Then he started to log on and once he saw me, he would log off quickly. To check if I was just being paranoid, I blocked him one day after he’d logged off. Surely enough, he logged back in shortly afterwards – after all, it would appear that I was offline. I unblocked him and not even 2 minutes later, homie was offline. Wanker

I was just hurt after he did that. I decided then to delete him from contact list. But I left it so he could see when I was online – I figured why deprive him of his stupid games? I just didn’t need it in my face.

Months passed and things moved on. One day out of the blue, I’m online working and this window opens up on my screen with him saying hi. I took the bigger person route and started chatting to him. He called me and chatted on the phone for a bit. He then told me about this new venture he was going into and sent me a link to a new website he built. It was ok but needed a lot of polish. He asked me to do a critical analysis of it. Even though I had a essay due I still decided to be nice and do one and e-mail it to him. It took me over an hour but I looked through all his damn site noting all the little errors and mistakes and documenting it. I finally finished and e-mailed it to him.

Months passed and things moved on. I grow weary of mentioning what a bastard he is. You would expect that he would call to thank me for my lengthy review or at least acknowledge the damn e-mail right? Wrong! I would think of him from time to time but not do anything about it. Ok I lie. I was still a bit annoyed so sometimes I’d prank call him. Let him suffer from someone else’s mind games for once. Stalkerish I know but hey! After a while, it wasn’t even annoyance, it was just childish fun. I’d get Caroline into the act as well – She’d call him then hang up. Believe me when I say it was immense fun.

One day, I was forced to talk to him – cant remember if it was cos I didn’t hang up in time or I just decided to speak to him. We did the inane chitchat thing and that was it. We’d do the talk once in a while thing – and naturally it was me always calling him. He didn’t even try to come up with an excuse for the website thing, just – “I’m really sorry but trust me, it’s a long story”. Yeah! It always is. Now over the summer as I moved in with Becky, I guess the whole atmosphere of the bachelorette pad started to get to me. Plus it was summer and Kane had just been a royal asshole. I needed an uncomplicated fix so I invited him over. It took some persuading but he finally agreed to when he had time. I guess he was curious – what with the new flat and independence of some sort. I was speaking to him one Friday night – Becky had gone to a club and I was bored. Out of the blue, he said he’d come from his regular Friday drinks with work mates. I was like great! He agreed to call me when he was done. To be honest I really wasn’t expecting him to so I went to sleep. At about 4.30 he rang to say he was on his way – he was taking a taxi from Essex. I was stunned. Becky had just got back and was getting ready to go to bed so I couldn’t exactly kick her out.

I showered. Panicked about what to wear. Settled on a teeny dress but then thought that was too slutty so wore my pyjama bottoms underneath. Combed my hair but then tousled it slightly so it wouldn’t look too neat. Waited. Stuck to wearing my glasses as I had already taken my contacts out.

He finally turned up at about 5.30 after getting lost. He looked soo good climbing out. A bit worse for wear, as he was slightly drunk but still good. I led him upstairs and we kissed softly at the door. I had to explain that due to his late notice, Becky was back. Plus as we hadn’t finished furnishing the flat, he would have to sit on the floor. He took it with good grace. I was a bit concerned on entering the living room to see some of Becky’s underwear hanging on the radiator (I hadn’t thought to clear the living room). He told me to leave it, as he liked the ‘lived-in effect’. Becky came out to say hi in some skimpy ass shorts and a t-shirt. I was a bit disgruntled – but he soothed my raised eyebrow with his touchy-feelyness. Our legs were intertwined and I was cradled in his arms. He kept stroking my hair and arms all the while we sat there chatting. Becky finally went to bed and we were left to our devises. The sex was intense. It went on for about 2 hours. He’d start, stop, take a 5 min breather, start again, change positions, non-stop. At one point I thought to myself – “This is soo surreal. I’m actually having sex with Sadeeq”.

Embarrassing anecdote – after we fell asleep. I woke up with the need to go to the bathroom. My stirring woke him up – in every sense. He pulled me close and started again. I’m thinking – uhhhh I really cant take this as I need to wee, but how do I get him to stop? I decided to just go with it and hope he finished quickly. As he continued, I started to re-evaluate this decision – what if I pissed myself midway? That would be soo much more embarrassing. I had to stop. Mid-artful-thrust, I was like stop! I’ll be right back and clambered up. I couldn’t let him know what I was doing so I went into the bedroom first. Poor Becky. I then went into the bathroom and put the radiator on to drown out the sound. Hindsight – with the amount of time I spent in there as well, he probably thought I was taking a dump. Sooo not sexy. I finally came back out and we went back to sleep.

Weeks passed. And no I wasn’t expecting him to call me after that. I didn’t actually want it to be some intense relationship. Regular sex might have been nice but wasn’t a necessity. I had thought of all this before inviting him over and had been prepared for the worst. I was more indignant – polite courtesy would have demanded he call anyway at least to give him the opportunity to ‘hit it’ again – but I already knew what a rude inconsistent bastard he was anyway, so it wasn’t surprising. I did it because it had been a while. I needed to know I could still have sex and had got over my whole vaginismus thing. Precisely because I didn’t really care about him, I was able to speak to him again. And as I’d had already added him to my list of people I’ve slept with, I figured he’d be good for regular casual sex when I had an itch. My theory is that a woman shouldn’t sleep with more than 5 guys before settling down to ‘the one’ or the guy she marries. My limit is 5 – Jodie's’ limit is 3. I therefore find myself feeling slightly liberal. 6/7 guys before Mr. Man puts you in the slut stratosphere. Call it that inbred Nigerian conservatism. I have already wasted 3 – I can’t really go back to Bobby my first, as we were just friends now and he’s been serious with his girlfriend for like 3 years now. (Not that, that would stop him being a dog and all, but I’ve grown past him). The other wasted number was that guy in the states – my initial attempt to see if I could do casual sex – soo a one night stand. Kane as far as I’m concerned is another wasted number as I’m NEVER going to go there again. Therefore Sadeeq was my only choice and the summer heat was making me horny as hell.

We spoke from time to time. Usually, if we were out at a club – we’d call to see what the other was doing afterwards. Something always happened to cancel our plans. One day Bode the annoyance rang up and invited me to someone’s stag night. Yup – girls are invited to these things sometimes. At Nigerian stag nights, it’s usually just one big party with lots of alcohol. I usually like to avoid Nigerian parties at all costs but I knew Sadeeq was going to be there (as they are all friends) so I dragged Becky along. I made sure I was dressed very classily so no one would get the slightest notion into their heads that I was there to be picked up. I know how these stupid guys think – any girl at a bachelor’s eve is looking for a husband.

I was sitting on a sofa in the basement when he walked in. My heart skipped a beat – that hadn’t happened in soo long. It was dark and the place was crowded with his friends. I slipped upstairs unnoticed and sent him a text message saying – “where are you? What are you doing tonight?” He called me immediately.

“Hey! I’m at my friend’s bachelor’s eve in some club in Mayfair…”
“Really?” I laughed “Let me guess you’re wearing a white caftan and jeans?”
“Oh. You’re crazy…” as he hung up.

We met on the stairs and hugged.

“What did you think I was going to say when you asked where I was?”
“ I was just playing with you..” I replied, patting his arm.

We spent the rest of the night chilling and chatting. I didn’t stick to him all night. I went up to the bar and spent some time chatting to a bunch of guys there that were his friends. He spent some time flirting with some girls crowding round him. I went to the basement to dance. I went all out with my raunchy dance moves with this cute guy that I met. Unfortunately, It attracted the attention of some beasts so I went back up to escape and get some air. I had a couple of drinks and generally just chilled. When it was time to leave, everyone just milled outside the club. Sadeeq all of a sudden came all possessive on me. I loved it. He wouldn’t let any other of his friends hug me or anything. I stood in between his legs and he cradled my face. We were standing really close and he was whispering in my ear. A part of me thought this was a bit too public but I was too intoxicated to care. He said he couldn’t come home with me despite how much he wanted to as some friends had come from out of town and they still wanted to go out. We spent like half an hour cuddling and talking softly. He kept staring into my eyes, my lips and stroking my hair. Anyone looking at us would have known instantly that we were either intimate or had been once.

I felt guilty for leaving Becky out in the cold waiting for me so agreed to go to an after party with her. Big mistake. This became the true stag night part of the evening and I got some leech who wouldn’t leave me alone. 10 mins and I was calling a cab to leave. The only good thing was the groom personally invited me to the wedding the following week. I sent Sadeeq a text moaning about how awful it was and he called me to commiserate. He was quite drunk at this time and passing out at his friend’s.

Naturally, Sadeeq was going to be at the wedding so I was definitely going to be there. It turned out to be what can only be described as ‘eventful’.

Months passed and things moved on. Sadeeq and I talk from time to time – you know how things go. I’m going to delete him from my messenger contact list again. He’s promised to take me out for lunch as he works close by. Needless to say I’m not holding my breath.
I just realised some part of me keeps hoping he will suddenly wake up and realize I am the one for him. Oh well. Dream on right? Sigh.

Dinner Party

I had a dinner party last weekend. No I should say, I was supposed to have a dinner party last weekend. It didn’t quite happen. From a party of 12, it dwindled to a gathering of 4. I was upset. I am still upset.

People gave a multitude of reasons. That’s not why I’m mad – some (just some) had reasonable excuses. The other’s at least made an effort to come up with a reason and call and apologize. What upset me is those that didn’t call at all – they just didn’t show up. And they still haven’t called me 5 days after said event.

Becky my former flat mate – sent me a text mesg saying “ cant come, there is no transport and I’m going to my mum’s”. That is extremely annoying for me to read. After I moved back home to Richmond, I’ve still made several efforts to go back to Camden to see her and chill. She knew how important this was to me. What especially pissed me off is that she couldn’t even be bothered/get the courage to call me to tell me. Damn – it would even have been cheaper for her to call than text me as she has free calls.

Ben – no word
Ade – no word

Those two hurt as I had spoken to them earlier that day.

Who showed up? Jodie, Wonu and Tommy. We had fun – there was excessive eating and drinking – not our fault we had excess alcohol and food! I went all out with the finger party food. I spent Sunday after everyone had left, sated on my couch – didn’t move an inch. Beautiful.

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Becky has been calling me everyday since then – I haven’t picked up. I had a dream that we had an argument about it and I lost my temper. I don’t like losing my temper. It gets very ugly. Truly not a pretty picture – it’s one of my nasty traits. I get irritated and annoyed easily but that passes just as easily. I never truly lose my temper – as one of them psychometric tests says, I am “prone to occasional flashes of extreme temper” due to my tightly reined sense of control.

I’m scared that if I talk to her now, it would become a very big fight which truly isn’t necessary – especially as she owes me quite a substantial sum of money.

When I spoke to Ben that morning, he said that he was spending the afternoon helping Tandy out with something. I was a bit surprised as the last I could recall – he thought Tandy was a dick. I guess they kissed and made up. I still haven’t spoken to Tandy after that big confrontation. After I told him about Ben – we had an almighty row. We included – me, Ben, Tandy, with Becky sitting, watching, and listening in the background. Ben – I guess he was trying to cover for me – said that no one had done anything wrong, as he didn’t know I was with anyone and HE was the one who had been pushing for us to get together. As he later claimed – I just stood there and watched him lie. Hey! I didn’t ask him to lie and yes I was relieved. It was bad enough that Tandy was dealing with us breaking up – to then to find out that before I even told him it was over, I had been chasing someone else that he saw almost everyday – his brother’s best friend. Ouch, I know. That would have been too much – way too malicious.

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Ben didn’t show up and didn’t call me for several weeks afterwards. When he finally called, he shamefacedly admitted to giving me time to cool off. He so doesn’t get me. I was more upset that he didn’t call to say he wasn’t coming than by his not showing.

Anyways, went to Becky’s get-together. Yes I know I’m incredibly sweet and forgiving. It was all right. The theme was a ‘pimps and whores’ night. I wore an incredibly short skirt – butt cheeks flashing left right center and a see through caftan with my boobies flashing, wonderbra ago! Unfortunately, my legs hadn’t seen or felt anything closely resembling a shaving stick or cream for months. The hairs were long and on end. I figured that it was dark so no one would notice and with all my cleavage on display, no one would really look down there. Boy was I wrong!

Ben, Tim and some of their friends showed up towards the end. By this time, I was back in bed – tiredness and period cramps combined – so in a funny mood. I came out and said hi. Things were a bit awkward cos he was checking to see if I was still pissed off with him for not coming to my dinner party. It also didn’t help that they all noticed my hairy legs – lights were back on by this time – and had a merry little time laughing at me.

The True Story Of Tandy

Ok here goes. Contrary to popular opinion I did/do really care about Tandy. I believe in destiny and there are some people who I just know I meant to have a deep and meaningful relationship with. Whether or not it’s a play on my re-incarnation theory (meaning I might have had a deep relationship with them once and my subconscious recognises that), I feel a bond with them.

I have that feeling with Tandy – but I’ve always seen it as something that will happen in the future. The way I always pictured it was a big glorious love affair when we were in our 30s. Me overcoming some apathy he has against me – because I’ve hurt him in the past – or because he feels a need to prove something to me. The way I’ve gone about things – this might actually now be the case.

Tandy is a family friend. He was my best’s friend – Tessa’s younger brother. I say was because we are no longer best friends. Our family’s are really close. I was always spending time over at theirs. He had a crush on me when he was younger – I thought it was cute. He went through the annoying stage of being my friend’s bratty younger brother. I didn’t see him for a number of years, after they moved to England.

When I finally moved to England, he was all grown. He was still my friend’s younger brother but I watched him grow and mature. We started talking a lot and developed a separate relationship. We became friends. He is very diverse – extremely intuitive and perceptive. He gets me. Almost too well.

Have I mentioned how cute he is? He has the most amazing dimples. He’s tall and broad – all those days of playing rugby and football mean he’s really toned and fit. Have I also mentioned he’s always had a crush on me? – well this continued till the present day. All our long conversations developed into long late night conversations. Plus he could sense my moods and knew my vulnerable sides and what buttons to push. He made it abundantly clear he was attracted to me. I started to wonder what if? But then my mind was repelled by the idea that he was younger than me and then again - he was Tessa’s younger brother! Tessa didn’t have the best relationship with him – she was always overly sensitive to his antics – they didn’t particularly get along. I pushed it away for as long as I could. The whole age thing and what our families would say/do was a big enough deterrent.
Then ‘young-guy’ came along and helped open my eyes to the prospects of going out with younger guys. It was at this point in awakening that Tandy tried again. I went over to their house one evening to see him. He had indicated that he wouldn’t try anything I didn’t want to do – I would have to make the first move. We were in his bedroom talking and I could tell he wanted to kiss me. I was so shy and confused and he just sat there looking at me. I summoned all the courage I had and put his hand on my boob – the left one to be exact. I cringe at this memory because I KNOW I was more experienced than that and could have done it with a lot more finesse. We started kissing. When we broke about – I was sooo confused. What do I do now, I was thinking? I had to leave.

Confrontation

My name is Noni and I’m a fucking attention seeker and drama addict, not to mention commitment phobic. Infact my need for drama is destroying my friendship with people.

Ben and Tandy came round to the flat last night. I am still reeling from the aftermath.

There was no indication. I had just come back from a date with museum guy. Becky was talking on the phone. When she got off – she had this funny grin on her face.
“What’s up? What’s going on?” I asked.
“Ben and Tandy are coming over to the flat now” she whispered.
My heart stopped. Shock. Disbelief.
“Huh?” I asked dumbfounded.
“They are both coming over right now” she replied.
“No… what? WHAT???”
“Shhh…”she said. “this is good”
“GOOD? Good how??? What the fuck is he playing at? What am I going to do?” I yelled.
“Don’t worry. It’ll be ok. Just act normal” she soothed.
“Normal?” I thought to myself “nahhhh, I’m calling him right now. He cant bring Tandy here.”

I searched for my phone and called him but the bastard didn’t pick up. My heart started racing. What the fuck was I going to do? Till date, I was yet to explain to Tandy that we weren’t going out anymore and that it was over. I had no choice, I had to sit and await the outcome.

The doorbell rang. I decided to sit in the room till they were settled. I listened out in the hope that it was just Ben. No such luck. I heard both voices. Ben strolls into the bedroom. And he start mouthing.
“sorry there was nothing I could do.. he said he wanted…” he stopped as Tandy walked into the room.

“Hiiii” I smiled to Tandy.
“Hey yourself. How have you been?” he replied
“Fine. Just chilling, the usual” I answered with a hug. I started walking towards the living room and they followed. I settled everyone and offered drinks, food etc.

I made sure I sat on the floor – we have only one sofa in the house and Becky had perched herself on the other chair. The sofa is a three seater but the irony of me sitting between the two guys was too much, even for me.

“Why are you being so quiet – come and sit here” Ben said, patting the space beside him.
I just glared and grittly said “No thankssss”. That was my first indication that he was up to no good. They explained that they had been playing football just before coming. Oh joy – hence the testosterone and aggressiveness flowing in the air.

Ben set out to be a confrontational dick. It started of with the comments.
“Why are you being so quiet?”
“You’re really not being hospitable tonight… why?…She normally is you know” he explained to Tandy who just sat looking bemused.

Then it was the games. We decided to entertain ourselves by telling secrets. As that faltered, it became tell a secret about someone else.
“I know a secret about you.. “ Ben said pointing to Tandy
“You do?” Tandy asked
“… and you” ben continued pointing to me “… and … I don’t know anything about you.” Referring to Becky.
“Well that’s good then.” she laughed.
“That’s hardly fair!” said Tandy, so we shelved that idea.

Then came the say something nice about everyone else game. Mine was succinct
“Becky, I like your sense of fun. Ben – I like your ability to bounce back. Tandy… I like your ability to ignore the minor things.”
Silence as everyone digested my comments.
“Good” Ben pounced. “Yours was the best – particular to each person, as in, only they would know the true meaning. Very good.”
“I don’t understand my thing!” stated Tandy.
“It’s nothing that important… Just you overlook certain things… you know” I struggled to explain.

I went into the bedroom to get changed after a while and Tandy followed to “get an explanation for my comment”.
He casually stretched himself on the bed as I went through drawers looking for my pyjama’s. (I could hardly walk about in the next to nothing I normally sleep in with both of them there now could I? Anyone of them, yes, but both? That would have been asking for even more trouble.)

“So why haven’t you called me” – he asked?
“I’ve been buseee… why haven’t you called me?” I countered.
“I did call you. A couple of times in fact. It sometimes went to your voicemail.” He answered.
“You did?.. I never saw any missed calls. …
“I, know I called you. Even if I didn’t that doesn’t matter as the last time we spoke, I said you should call me when you were free and you never did. “ he interrupted.
“Well – it was just too hard… “ I said perching myself on the corner of the bed.
“What? And why aren’t you looking at me? I know you – you like to watch how people react to what you are telling them, so the fact that you can’t or won’t look at me is telling me something. What is it? What’s wrong?“ – he questioned with his eyes narrowing suspiciously.
“it’s just… ok…basically, I couldn’t quite….”I faltered
“Just spit it out” he demanded.
“Ok!

The Story of Sadeeq

This is very hard for me to write. I don’t know what it is/was about him that compelled me so. Sadeeq the dick, as I coined him after he showed what a bastard he could be.

I met Sadeeq at a New Year’s party. He was/is soo my type – tall dark and lanky. I find that combination irresistible – don’t ask me why. If I were to describe my ideal boyfriend, Sadeeq would be the closest match. He worked in the city for a consulting firm, drove a nice car and was very well off – and not afraid to spend his money. (Not that I’m materialistic or anything – infact far from it. I make it a rule never to accept anything from a guy that I can’t buy for myself. Plus I never get to the stage where guys start buying me expensive gifts etc. However, I feel that it is a guy’s privilege to pay for stuff when I agree to go out on dates with them. Lot’s of times, I’m very happy to pay for stuff but I guess I’ve just grown used to guys paying for everything. But I digress).

I was hanging out with a new circle of people – Bode the annoyance’s friends. I bumped into him a couple of times during that year at various social events. Finally at Starr’s party, he asked for me number. It took him a week to call me. I had almost given up hope. He called when I was staying over at my aunt’s place in St. John’s Wood. We did the inane chitchat thing and he asked me to dinner that night. I was so excited, I didn’t even try to front. After I dropped the phone, I realized I wasn’t exactly dressed to go on a date but I didn’t care too much.

The date was one of those really good ones where you talk about any and everything. He went straight to the point – “So what do you want from me?”. I was stunned. For once, I was at a loss for words. A whole me, being flustered. He has retained that ability to throw me for six- but at least now I control my expressions better so I don’t show it.
“Err… I don’t know!, What do you mean by what do I want from you - I don’t…!” I stammered.
“Noni, let’s not play games here. What do you want, where would you like this to go?” he asked.
The bastard. “Those are my lines!” I thought to myself “And at least, I have the decency to wait a bit before coming out with it. It’s our first bloody date!” But I had to admire his directness.
“I think you’re very attractive and interesting. It would like to go out with you and see where this goes. How does that sound?”
He seemed happy with it and we keep chatting. He finally took me home and said he’d call me. I floated into the house and my aunt teased me mercilessly all night because I had this huge grin on my face.

This date sounded like it had such promise didn’t it? Well I was wrong too. It started off with the not calling. I’m a phone person. I live on constant attention from guys and demand it from everyone I date. If I cant see them often, then they damn well better call me a lot. He rarely called me and it drove me up the wall. Plus whenever we arranged to go out, ‘something’ always came up. I went round to his house a couple of times and it was nice. Whenever I saw him, things were cool and we had fun. I would forget what a pain he could be. Then weeks would pass and he wouldn’t call and I would get scared of being a pest and calling him too often. I wouldn’t see him for ages because he was “busy with work”. This I could understand but it didn’t mean I had to like it. I eventually got tired of moaning to my friends (much to their undying gratitude) and decided to cut my losses. I stopped seeing him – did I say seeing? No I meant calling him and trying so damn hard to build a relationship.

Months passed and things moved on. From time to time, when I was bored, I would stumble across his number whilst flicking through my phone book. I would call and withhold my number then hang up when he picked up. Childish I know but I was bored and it served him right anyway. One day whilst walking over Waterloo bridge, I could see some of the skyscrapers in Canary Wharf and remembered the view from his flat - He has a penthouse in Stratford with an amazing view of the city – and so I called him. That was enjoyable. He was soo uncomfortable. He started stumbling on apologies and trying to come up with reasons as to why he hadn’t called me in ages.
“Don’t worry about it. Seriously, Sadeeq, it’s cool. I didn’t call to give you a hard time or anything. I was just walking along as it’s such a beautiful day and I thought of you. How are you? What have you been up to?” I said gleefully taking the upper hand. We caught up on each other’s activities and he promised to call me soon. Yeah right.

Months passed and things moved on. I went to a formal ball with some friends at London Zoo. It was fun but I soon got tired and wanted to leave. I was supposed to stay over at my friend's place but she wasn’t ready to leave yet. I now started think of what guy I could call to come and pick me up. As it wasn’t too far from Stratford, I called Sadeeq.
“Hey, what’s up? This is Noni”
“Hey! How are you? Long time and all that”
“Yeah I know. I’ve just been chilling, uni, work etc”
“Where are you? – It’s kinda noisy in the background”
“I know – sorry. I’m at a ball. Which is why I’m calling actually”
“yeah?”
“I’m kinda stuck as I want to leave and my friends aren’t ready to go for a while yet.”
“Ok?”
“And I need someone to come and pick me up…”
“Oh. I cant. I’m all settled in and I have work tomorrow…”
“Ahhh, that’s ok then. Nevermind, I’ll just have to wait I guess.”
Silence
“Well… you could just hop into a taxi and come here.”
“ Nyahhh, noooo. I can’t do that. I don’t have any money for a taxi. If I did, I would just go home.”
“ Don’t worry about it, just come here and I’ll pay for it”.
“ Noooo – that’s ok. I don’t want to have to put you to that much trouble.”
“Look, really it’s cool. Just get into cab and come.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes! Call me when you’re on your way.”
“Ok. Thanks. See you soon.”
“Bye”.
With a laugh and a skip, I kissed my friends goodbye and hopped into a cab. I figured that as I was looking damn good, he’d at least appreciate what he missed out on. I was wearing a long classic strapless gown – that showed off my ‘womanly curves’ as Tessa calls them - with a beautiful fur stole and some stunning pearls.

I got there without a hitch. He paid for the cab and we went up to his flat. It was just like I remembered. Everything. Sadeeq is an excellent lover. He’s the only one who has ever truly found my G-Spot. He put his finger in me and made this come hither movement. I almost died, it was that intense. Plus he is big! and thick……

His alarm woke me up the next morning. I must have worn him out cos he slept through the noise of the alarm. I had to wake him up by shaking him viciously. He probably ended up being late for work. He looked really good in his suit as he headed out – it was really tempting to have a quickie – there is nothing like morning sex – but he insisted I stay in bed and sleep some more. I finally woke up mid afternoon – and took my time before heading home.

Months passed and things moved on. I have mentioned that Sadeeq is a bastard haven’t I? My birthday came along and me being me – never one to hold a grudge – I called and invited him to my birthday drinks. He actually showed up which was nice and he met a number of my friends. We spent all night cosying up to each other and he was really touchy feely. He had his hands round my waist, was stroking my legs, playing footsie, the works. Some of my out of town friends thought he was the latest guy on the scene. At the end of the night, I go back home as I have a bunch of people staying over at mine. He calls me on my way back to check that I got home safely and we’re cool chatting normally when he suddenly blurts “I cant give you what you what”.
I go “ What do you mean you cant give me what I want?”
“I cant give you what you want!” he repeats.
“Look, what are you talking about? I don’t want anything from you”
“I’m not in the right place at the moment and not ready for a relationship…” he continues.
“Stop! What the fuck are you talking or going on about? I don’t want anything from you!” I yell. “I haven’t asked you for anything! Infact, you know what? I actually can’t talk to you right now. I have to go.” And I drop the phone.

I was sooo mad! I fumed all the way home and the rest of the night. How dare he? He was the one who was being all cosy all night. The wanker. I didn’t even breathe the idea of doing anything or wanting anything from him. The fool, he’s a fucking wanker! Fucking dickhead.

Months passed and things moved on.

Dilemma

I don’t know...............

Someone called me one night a couple of weeks ago at about 2.30am. Let’s call him Mystery Caller. I thought it was Tandy. We talked for a bit about some very ‘intimate’ stuff – he was basically wanking on the phone.
Note – this doesn’t count as phone sex as I wasn’t involved.

I have to admit to finding it slightly disturbing but I was sleeping so decided not to think too much about it. The person called me the next afternoon at work - lunch break - and was like he really loves me, he thinks about me all the time, I’m the first person he thinks of whenever he’s drunk, would do anything for me, spend their last dime on me etc. Again I thought it was Tandy doing a funky accent - or maybe he was just tired. Ok he loves me – Whoa! WHOA!!!
Nah it’s cool, calm down. It’s alright. I can handle it.

Mystery Caller and I talked the next 3 nights. He obviously knows me personally as he mentioned certain things (cant quite remember what right now but suffice to say subconsciously, I felt reassured it was someone I knew). All this while, I thought it was Tandy and we were having some pretty deep intimate discussions so I decided to seize the opportunity to ask some pertinent questions about our status. The answers I got made me think he was lying – which meant I thought Tandy was lying to me, further putting me off the relationship idea even more.

Incase you’re confused, Tandy is the latest guy I’ve been seeing, and I’ve been having issues with committing to the relationship. We decided to keep our relationship quiet until I was ready.

I finally realized it wasn't Tandy on Saturday. How? Friday night as per usual, I was talking to Mystery Caller. Now this was actual full-blown phone sex and I was hot. We decided to get a suite in the Dorchester and have a night away. He called me Saturday morning and goes “I’m really sorry but something has come up. We’ll have to take a rain check on this evening”. I’m disappointed but I’m like ok, no worries. An hour or so later, Tandy calls and he goes, “so what are you doing later tonight?” I’m like “I thought you were busy?” He goes “No! What are you talking about? – I haven’t spoken to you today”. Panic.

I then thought it had to be Ben so I called him. It wasn't Ben either, or at least he said it wasn't. Now speaking to Ben - I actually it to be him. Now the weird thing is I don’t know if I want Ben because he's a challenge and it's a build up from the phone calls with Mystery Caller, or if I really like him. He says he doesn't trust me. Doesn't think I like him enough/am ready etc besides, he isn't ready to jump into a relationship with anyone.

Who is Ben? Ben is someone I’ve been flirting with for a while now – and things are beginning to heat up. He knows 'something' is up with me but cant guess what. In a bid to be honest, I felt the need to speak to Tandy first and clear things up with him before either confessing to Ben about previously seeing Tandy.

By the way, Ben and Tandy know each other. Well they hang out together because they have mutual friends. (What can I say? I like to live dangerously)

Now when I did speak to Tandy - it only just hit home that as it wasn't him, everything I had said to Mystery Caller about how I felt about relationships, what I wanted etc - he didn't know. Going through all that again is needless to say LONG and difficult, and he was being soo sweet - he being Tandy. He's like “I've never felt this way about anyone” (cliché I know - but he sounds so sincere). He says he doesn't feel worried about us or that he has to call me everyday for fear that I might start chatting to another guy etc. Now I felt so ashamed when he said that - especially as two days before I had been arranging for Sadeeq to come and 'eat me'. (Sadeeq is yet another guy I have this on and off thing with)

Plus he wants to take me away on holiday somewhere in a couple of weeks, when he’s due a holiday. Yet again true to form - I started feeling constricted/scared about how serious it was getting when he said that. Oh I don’t know what to do with myself. I'm completely useless.

How do I handle the Ben/Tandy thing as they are bound to talk at some point in time very soon. The irony - shortly after I told Ben I was seeing someone else (referring to Tandy) - Tandy and I are talking about unrequited love and he cites Ben as an example - "who is doomed over some girl that he really likes". I go “Oh really?” – with the blankest expression I could muster.

I feel like I should tell them both to get things out in the open. But Tandy and I are still supposed to be quiet about us and Ben might not talk to me again - I really value him as a friend despite all else. Plus Tandy just might not understand and I don’t want to hurt him again.

I blame Mystery Caller. He has just fucked up my relationships.

So - what do I do now?