Dilemma

I don’t know...............

Someone called me one night a couple of weeks ago at about 2.30am. Let’s call him Mystery Caller. I thought it was Tandy. We talked for a bit about some very ‘intimate’ stuff – he was basically wanking on the phone.
Note – this doesn’t count as phone sex as I wasn’t involved.

I have to admit to finding it slightly disturbing but I was sleeping so decided not to think too much about it. The person called me the next afternoon at work - lunch break - and was like he really loves me, he thinks about me all the time, I’m the first person he thinks of whenever he’s drunk, would do anything for me, spend their last dime on me etc. Again I thought it was Tandy doing a funky accent - or maybe he was just tired. Ok he loves me – Whoa! WHOA!!!
Nah it’s cool, calm down. It’s alright. I can handle it.

Mystery Caller and I talked the next 3 nights. He obviously knows me personally as he mentioned certain things (cant quite remember what right now but suffice to say subconsciously, I felt reassured it was someone I knew). All this while, I thought it was Tandy and we were having some pretty deep intimate discussions so I decided to seize the opportunity to ask some pertinent questions about our status. The answers I got made me think he was lying – which meant I thought Tandy was lying to me, further putting me off the relationship idea even more.

Incase you’re confused, Tandy is the latest guy I’ve been seeing, and I’ve been having issues with committing to the relationship. We decided to keep our relationship quiet until I was ready.

I finally realized it wasn't Tandy on Saturday. How? Friday night as per usual, I was talking to Mystery Caller. Now this was actual full-blown phone sex and I was hot. We decided to get a suite in the Dorchester and have a night away. He called me Saturday morning and goes “I’m really sorry but something has come up. We’ll have to take a rain check on this evening”. I’m disappointed but I’m like ok, no worries. An hour or so later, Tandy calls and he goes, “so what are you doing later tonight?” I’m like “I thought you were busy?” He goes “No! What are you talking about? – I haven’t spoken to you today”. Panic.

I then thought it had to be Ben so I called him. It wasn't Ben either, or at least he said it wasn't. Now speaking to Ben - I actually it to be him. Now the weird thing is I don’t know if I want Ben because he's a challenge and it's a build up from the phone calls with Mystery Caller, or if I really like him. He says he doesn't trust me. Doesn't think I like him enough/am ready etc besides, he isn't ready to jump into a relationship with anyone.

Who is Ben? Ben is someone I’ve been flirting with for a while now – and things are beginning to heat up. He knows 'something' is up with me but cant guess what. In a bid to be honest, I felt the need to speak to Tandy first and clear things up with him before either confessing to Ben about previously seeing Tandy.

By the way, Ben and Tandy know each other. Well they hang out together because they have mutual friends. (What can I say? I like to live dangerously)

Now when I did speak to Tandy - it only just hit home that as it wasn't him, everything I had said to Mystery Caller about how I felt about relationships, what I wanted etc - he didn't know. Going through all that again is needless to say LONG and difficult, and he was being soo sweet - he being Tandy. He's like “I've never felt this way about anyone” (cliché I know - but he sounds so sincere). He says he doesn't feel worried about us or that he has to call me everyday for fear that I might start chatting to another guy etc. Now I felt so ashamed when he said that - especially as two days before I had been arranging for Sadeeq to come and 'eat me'. (Sadeeq is yet another guy I have this on and off thing with)

Plus he wants to take me away on holiday somewhere in a couple of weeks, when he’s due a holiday. Yet again true to form - I started feeling constricted/scared about how serious it was getting when he said that. Oh I don’t know what to do with myself. I'm completely useless.

How do I handle the Ben/Tandy thing as they are bound to talk at some point in time very soon. The irony - shortly after I told Ben I was seeing someone else (referring to Tandy) - Tandy and I are talking about unrequited love and he cites Ben as an example - "who is doomed over some girl that he really likes". I go “Oh really?” – with the blankest expression I could muster.

I feel like I should tell them both to get things out in the open. But Tandy and I are still supposed to be quiet about us and Ben might not talk to me again - I really value him as a friend despite all else. Plus Tandy just might not understand and I don’t want to hurt him again.

I blame Mystery Caller. He has just fucked up my relationships.

So - what do I do now?