Delicate

That’s how I feel right now. For a long time I wanted to be one of those small fragile women that people fall over themselves to help. I accepted a long time ago that I would never be that person. This is different from getting people to do stuff for you as I can usually manipulate people to do that quite easily but it’s different when people fall over themselves to do it for you unbidden. I’ve become soo accustomed to being the strong woman who can take care of herself and doesn’t need anyone, that I find it difficult to accept help when I truly need it, or to even know when to take it easy or ask for help.

I’m going round and round in circles and probably not making much sense. All I know is I’m feeling very delicate. My body is telling me that I need to take it easy and not put too much strain on it. Yet all I want to do is run around, do this and that, drive here and there and basically do all of the usual stuff I’d be getting up to. I had surgery yesterday. It was quite minor and I was out the same day and I’m fine. Except I feel delicate. Most of my friends don’t know. I don’t feel like talking much or doing much or seeing anyone.

The surgery was weird. I had to go under general anaesthetic. I didn’t even realise when it happened. One minute the doctor was looking for a vein and inserting this little tube into my hand. I remember him injecting something and that was it. I woke up to feel something on my face. The oxygen mask. I was quite disorientated. I kept tapping it until I worked out how to remove it. One of the nurses came up and put it on again. I asked if they were about to do the procedure, only to be told they had already done it. Wow! I immediately looked inward to see if I could feel anything different but I didn’t. The oygen mask was bothering me again – I felt like I couldn’t breathe so I moved it again. Shortly afterwards they wheeled me back to the general ward and I must have fallen asleep again. I woke up later, feeling a little thirsty then I realised my legs were crossed and I had what felt like a nappy between my thighs.

A whole chunk of time, just gone like that. I have control issues already so it feels weird knowing that for that time, I have to trust implicitly, that the doctors took proper care of me. I also have to trust loved ones telling me to take it easy and just rest. I’m not in pain but I can feel that I’ve been cut or there’s something missing. I don’t know how but I can feel it. I can feel everywhere the procedure touched and I can feel it raw and open and trying to heal. I am also feeling a lot more tired. It’s like a disconnect between my body and my mind. My mind is telling me to do all these things but my body is telling me to slow down and let it catch up. I keep stroking my stomach even though like I said, I’m not in pain. I’m just feeling … delicate.