Noni was born in the ages lost - in the inbetween places. Stuck in her shallow hollow world, she flits between realities. Haunted by echoes of the past and memories of the future, she is compelled to write to stave off madness.
The very interesting Naapali made a comment on my last post that I might be depressed or at the very least dysthymic.
By the way, the dictionary definition of Dysthyamia is “mild chronic depression; "I thought she had just been in a bad mood for thirty years, but the doctor called it dysthymia"”
His comment, well intentioned it might have been, set me to thinking, I don’t want to be the depressed girl. Heck, I don’t want to be thought of as the depressed girl. I certainly don’t think I’m constantly depressed. To that effect, I’m going to end this year on a positive note.
I am happy. I am very happy at the moment. It’s Christmas day. I’m about to go to bed and wake up to a wonderful day. I’m with my huge family – several of my cousins, aunts, uncles and grand parents are around. We are going to get up at about 10/11 to open up presents. Because we are so many, we’ve decided to do secret Santas. Each one of us gets presents for two other people and everyone had to do a wishlist.It’s great cos everyone gets a nice present and avoids the hassle of having to go round searching for suitable presents to buy, not to speak of the expense involved.
After unwrapping presents, there is the mad dash for the bathroom and getting ready before the guests arrive. This year there will be about 40-50 in total. The food is always awesome. We have every kind of meat - the compulsory turkey, lamb, fish, pork, as well as an assortment of different side dishes including pasta, rice, vegetables and other stuff I forget, not to mention the assortment of homemade desserts. We eat from about 4 and I pass out at about 6 from over eating and over imbibing of alcohol. Cannot wait.
The sales shopping so far have been a little disappointing but its good cos I get to save money. I am off to Nigeria (despite all my talk) for the new years and I cannot wait. I intend to rock it out as much as I can. I also intend to do something interesting/note worthy on the romance front this trip so watch this space ;-) if anyone has any recommendations for New Years eve in Nigeria (other than church) then please let me know.
I absolutely love and admire my friends. They are incredibly fantastic and oh so necessary for me. They each add some element to my life, either in balancing me out or enlightening me or helping in my development. I probably don’t tell them enough but if they ever see this – I love you!
I also actually like my job. I was surprised when I realised this but I do. It doesn’t pay enough but in terms of the job itself, I like what I do and the people I do it with. Touch wood – it will remain the same next year. Thank you facebook! (Yes I got my job through facebook).
Ok I think I’ve about expressed everything I’m thankful for and love – my family, my friends, my job, my health (also pretty good) anything else? Ahhh you guys. To my faithful/new/those I force to read this – thank you for your support.
Have a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS AND AN AMAZING NEW YEAR!!!!!
Enjoy the music and I promise to keep a log of my adventures in Nigeria this trip so i can update you when I get back. Happy Holidays!
.. of my inability to sleep. Plus I'm feeling emotional so I'm listening to slow mushy songs. Thanks to the amazing Uzo, I realise now that I'm not the only one that o'ds on music that will expunge the intensity of my feelings.
Music is my companion tonight. I can't remember the last time I slept to music. I used to every night but I stopped.
I'm thinking of emancipation. I'm thinking of all the things you put up with when you're forced to tolerate other people's whims. I'm feeling all "dark and twisty inside". I'm going through some stuff with someone I can't talk about, haven't talked about with anyone. I'm warring with the concept of unconditional love with indifference tugging at my heels and weighing me down. I feel like the current of events are pushing me towards a finality that is inevitable. On some level, I wish I was a 3rd party who could go to this person and say "Be careful! Watch it, Stop it, Fix it! You will lose her! And there will be no going back from it". However I'm not and with the situation clouding my judgement, I've lost whatever fight I had. I cannot fight for this relationship any longer.
I need to sleep. I have to be up super early tomorrow.
My no 2 favourite thing about this time of year? The time you have to reflect on your life and where it is going.
I actually wrote this quite a while ago (didn't post it cos it felt too personal) but seems apt to put it up now. What can I say, I'm in an honest mood.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I currently live in my mother’s house. I find this really depressing. I am terrified that the older I get the more dependent it seems I’m getting. It’s almost like I’m regressing.At the moment I love her a lot less (Read The God of Small Things). I’m actually just feeling very indifferent to her.I currently have a few issues weighing on my mind: -
- I am fat. I no longer have the luxury of saying “not slim”, “pleasantly plump”, or even that I’m a “BIG girl”. I’ve definitely crossed that line and it finally bothers me.This however is not a rant about how I’m having a fat day just my general state of mind and one of the things I want to change. - I have lost my sex drive. I am not attracted to anyone and haven’t been in a while. Even the people I always feel attracted to or my stand-by fuck buddies don’t do it for me anymore. I can’t even remember the last time I felt horny. Fine it’s gone cold and I usually get “hot” when it’s actually hot but still! I think it partly stems from the fact that I haven’t met anyone interesting in a while.
- I am slowly disconnecting with my people. My family, my friends, my pseudo friends. I’ve been busy with work true but at the same time, I’ve consciously stepped back from a lot of people. I’ve avoided calls, not returned mesgs and not made an effort to stay connected with people unless they go out of their way to chase after me. Even my internet connections are closing, I send less emails, respond to very few, spend less time on facebook, rarely read blogs and comment even less. It’s almost like I’ve lost interest but not quite as my attention hasn’t been taken up by anything else. I feel for lack of a better word, vapid.
- I still feel like driftwood. I have no solid plans for my future and still take it day by day even though I’m slightly more settled now in that I have a job. All I know is I want to pay my bills and clear my debt. Oh and buy a house. Beyond that nothing. Hardly seems like much of a career or life plan now does it?
Ok I’m done. This didn’t exactly come out the way I expected it to. It was meant to be like the last piece but the words go where they go.
:-D Yah! Christmas is coming. We are now in December and I can start listening to Christmas songs, shopping, buying presents and sending cards. Every year, i always get something small for my girlfriends. Last year - they got benetints, the other year some lip pots (lipsticks in a pot) and this year something else. I'm doing good. I was a freak in that some of my presents I bought during the summer sale ;-) (what can i say - pays to be efficient!)
As it's Christmas I can also start enjoying some of my favourite things of the season. Even though I've been accused of not being very Christmassy - bah humbug to you Vickii!
My top (whatever number I get to) favourite Christmas things
1 Eggnog Lattes
I've been in bliss for the last couple of weeks cos Starbucks eggnog lattes are finally back in season. They are the yummiest most delicious thing ever. I start to get all smiley and happy just seeing those cute red snowflake cups
Ok so the photo isn't that of an eggnog latte but you get my point. You have to try it at least once if you haven't yet.
2 ....
Actually I think I'll change this to daily thing so I have more to write about (hahaha - ingenious plan!) I would have made it the 12 days of Christmas but I've started too early. Oh well, there's no guarantees (obviously - this being me) that I will write everyday or find something I like everyday but you get my drift.
And in the interests of generosity, I'll put up a post I wrote last week which I out up but took down again as it felt a little personal/weird. It is kind of schmaltzy but I don't care. Christmas is almost here!
Oh and as for the people i.e. Vickii - who think I'm Miss Scrooge, I went to
www.alliwant.imagini.net
and did the visual dna quiz for Christmas. This was the feedback on my report
You're a total traditionalist when it comes to Christmas. You love everything about the festive season, from mince pies to carol-singing, you throw yourself into it all 110%�.. Woe betide any scrooges who get in your way! Holidays for you are all about serious pampering. It's worth splashing out on some top-notch luxury. And why not? You deserve it. You're a real home bunny. Time spent relaxing in your own space is extremely precious to you. Why go out when it's so great to stay in? You love a good parlour game so Christmas is really the perfect time of year for you. Pour yourself a sweet sherry and bring on the charades!
Unfortunately it doesn't have any cutesy fancy photo widgets to upload but as you can see, it clearly states I'm traditionalist so ha! :-D
Incase anyone fancies buying me a present - my wish list (the affordable one) is
A few months ago, I found myself torn between three guys. I find myself following the same old patterns of going for inaccessible guys. It’s almost like I have a masochistic streak as I find myself yearning for people I can’t have – or relationships that wont ever work.
Tandy- the one I’ve known the longest and have the most history with. I saw him at a dinner party. I knew he was coming so I had steeled myself to see him again and to deal with the potential awkward fallout. However I was unprepared for how seeing him would make me feel. He still had the sexiest dimples and amazing lips. I had to ball my fingers into fists to stop from touching him. I wanted to hold his hand and entwine my fingers with his. I wanted to jump on his lap and kiss him whilst I ran my fingers through his hair. Naturally I sat in my chair and made small talk. Thankfully he was civil and there were other people around so it wasn’t too much of an ordeal. I stalked his facebook for a few days but snapped out of it. I spent ages thinking back and doing the what ifs. I would like to be friends with him again but I don’t even know if that is possible anymore and I can’t say that even if by some miracle he wanted a relationship with me I’d be ready or able to go down that road again. So I stopped stalking and stopped thinking about him. I’m still surprised and wary of the effect he had on me though.
Randolph is a friend of mine. We’ve been friends for a long time. We met through a mutual friend and we clicked. He was interested in me in the beginning but I wasn’t. Nevertheless we became really good friends. His work took him to different countries for months at a time. We’d chat online sometimes but always hung out when he came into town. We have our restaurant which we always go to. We usually also go to the cinema, see a show and do drinks. We do all sort of coupley things like walking around holding hands, shopping together, and just hanging. When we are together we get really cosy and the lines blur but we’ve never crossed the line. Neither of us wants to be the one that makes that move.We have our moments when we come all honest and say what we are feeling but it is usually when he isn’t around. He’s moved to Nigeria now and as neither of us do long distance – it seems unlikely that anything can come of it.He’s also my really good friend and I’d hate for anything to spoil that.However it’s getting harder to see the line and know our boundaries. We have thus made an informal agreement to see how it goes the next time we hook up. I feel it might be a make or break situation but it will at least decide things once and for all.
Buddy – a guy I met online. We started chatting and again clicked. It’s weird cos I don’t click with that many people. This guy is my intellectual equal. He’s one of those people who makes me want to make an effort. I strive to show how intelligent I am. We spar and come out with a repertoire of some of the most random and obscure statements yet- we both get it. Reading through our emails, you would have thought we were competing for who could cram as many difficult words in a sentence. It was funny and exciting all at once – his emails would send me into gales of laughter and I found myself anxiously waiting for our next sparring match. So much so that it began to bother me how much I enjoyed them. Again he’s in a different country and when the issue of identity came into play – my issues came rearing their ugly head. Eventually it sort of fizzled out. In it’s heady states though, I felt like I was cheating on Randolph by forming an emotional/intellectual attachment to someone else. Weird.
Discovered this during one of my music channel surfing moments. I was going to skip past as I'm not a big fan of UK R&B but I my finger was slow on the skipping so i heard a few chords and I was hooked. The guy is good. He has a good voice and I really like this song. It is quite simply, back to basics, really good R&B. I was/am very impressed. The video is a little .... but hey you cant have everything. The girl is pretty! lolll. Close your eyes and listen to the song.
Check out his myspace - http://www.myspace.com/darrenbmusic
Hope you all have a great weekend! All my friends are going to this girl's birthday party whom I now detest. A lot of my out of town friends are coming down and because we used to be close they all think I'm going to be there. The ones who know we dont talk are suggesting it's time we kissed and made up but I have developed what I know is quite possible an irrational dislike/hatred for. I could quite possibly live with the fact that she is a completely self-centered whiny little bitch, but I feel like she has stolen something/someone from me. Even though my logical reasoning side of me knows she didn't exactly steal this person/thing but everything has just amalgamated and crystallised into a focal point of all my hurt and anger so yeah. I cant stand her guts. Lolll. So I'm not going.
I think going off to drink myself silly somewhere else might be a good idea.
And oh boy - I think I've also decided to go to Nigeria for Christmas. As ever, I was dithering about it and as at Tuesday, I most certainly WASN'T going but then I started getting all these invites to parties and events. Plus my friends started calling about my travel dates and other people started making plans to hook up. I got the bug! :-( I now have to go on a crash diet, and start thinking of my wardrobe. I am not overpacking like I ALWAYS do anymore. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
It's about that time for Christmas songs and carols to come out of the woodwork. Well almost but not quite!
I found this as i was looking through some old files on my computer. I had downloaded this video instead of the song by mistake but it was soo quaint I kept it. I think it's very fitting for this period. Enjoy!
In a bid to be more proactive at blogging, I'm going to post up this recording. Its been going around for years now yet it still cracks me up. It's not exactly a song but it will do as my Friday song.
What's been up with me, I'm still really busy at work right now but it's good - people have been commending my work/efforts so it feels good to know I'm making a good impact. However it feels like my days are rolling into one. I find it incredible that it's Friday - today feels like a Wednesday! That whole not sleeping till 3am is really beginning to get to me. Hopefully this weekend will bring a chance to catch up on my sleep and just relax generally. Hope you all have a great weekend!
I know it's a bit late but I thought I'd get it out anyway. Over here in England, it's not that big a deal but I'm into my horror stories and dark twisty stuff so I like it :-D
I'm busy with work which means I don't have time to update. And this time around - it's busy in a no distractions allowed kinda way. After work is out of the question as I spend my evenings unwinding and catching up on my tv shows. I don't even like to talk to people on the phone! As usual my weekends are taken up by social butterfly demands, so I still dont have time to update.
Every now and then ofcourse, I get inspired and write. This song flashed on my ipod today at work and I thought it was very fitting. It's one of my favourite Joe songs. I remember having this conversation with one of my male friends after listening to it (on constant repeat)one night. I stated that I would love to meet some guy who could understand the meaning and express the sentiments behind that song to me. To my surprise, he actually suggested one of his friends who would fit the bill and gave me his number (after checking with him ofcourse). This was the night before valentine's day at about 3am. My friend said the guy would still be awake, so I called.
Mr Guy was quite friendly so the conversation wasn't too awkward. He asked (I asked?) if I had any plans for valentines day and I said no. As he didn't either, we agreed to meet up for dinner. As first dates go, it was nice. I had a really good time and we gelled. Things didn't quite work out in that sense but we became good friends in the end. Sigh ... I miss being young and carefree enough to do random shit like this.
Anyways the song is still beautiful and I still wish I could find a guy that wants to say all this to me.
Joe - I Wanna Know.
It's amazing how you knock me off my feet, hmm Everytime you come around me I get weak, oh yeah Nobody ever made me feel this way, oh You kiss my lips and then you take my breath away So I wanna know
I wanna know what turns you on So I can be all that and more I'd like to know what makes you cry So I can be the one who always makes you smile
Girl he never understood what you were worth, hmm no And he never took the time to make it work (You deserve more loving, girl) Baby I'm the type of man to show concern, yes I do, oh Anyway that I can please you let me learn So I wanna know
Tell me what I gotta do to please you Baby anything you say I'll do Cause I only wanna make you happy From the bottom of my heart, it's true
I wish that I could take a journey through your mind, alright And find emotions that you always try to hide babe, oh I do believe that there's a love you wanna share, oh, oh I'll take good care of you lady, have no fear, oh So I wanna know
